Valentine’s Day is Here. I Just Want to Know What It Feels Like to Be Loved

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because Valentine’s Day is in a few days, and for the 28th time, I’ll spend it wondering what’s wrong with me. It started in junior college. There was a girl. I’d never felt my heart race like that before—like it was screaming, *“This. Her. Pay attention.”* I didn’t even know what a crush *was* until I Googled “why do I feel sick when she smiles?” But before I could say a word, she blocked me on Facebook. Someone must’ve told her. I still remember staring at that blocked symbol, my hands shaking. I never spoke to her again. Then came engineering. I was alone, drowning in assignments I couldn’t focus on because loneliness felt heavier than textbooks. I switched colleges, desperate for a reset. But there, it got worse. I liked someone—quietly, desperately. I thought I hid it well. Turns out, I didn’t. Girls in my class started avoiding me. One day, a friend muttered, *“She thinks you’ll throw acid on her if she says no.”* Acid attacks were all over the news back then. I wanted to scream: *“I’d never hurt anyone. I just… wanted to say hi.”* She left the program soon after. I still wonder if it was because of me. Now? I don’t know how to talk to women anymore. Every interaction feels like defusing a bomb. I stutter. I overthink. I retreat. My life is a loop: work, PG room, sleep. For five months, the only voice I’ve heard outside of Zoom calls is my own. Holidays? I sit here, replaying every awkward moment, every rejection, every time I convinced myself I’m not worth the risk. Valentine’s Day used to make me hope. Maybe *this* year, I’d have someone to argue with over stupid movies, someone to share dumb memes with at 2 AM, someone who’d roll their eyes at my bad jokes but laugh anyway. Now it just reminds me that I’m a ghost in my own life. I don’t blame anyone. Maybe I’m just… broken. But god, I’m so tired of being the guy who’s only ever loved people in his head. Does it ever get better? — PS:If you read this, thank you. I just needed to scream into the void.