My Story - Living with Undiagnosed OCD.

I am a 23 M, Your regular average Telugu Guy on the outside and I have Undiagnosed OCD. Before i get to my present let me rant my life story about my 'weirdness' from childhood. [Note: Trigger warning for people, i briefly touch about senstive mental health/vulnerable stuff which might not be suited for some people. Stop reading if you are in a vulnerable state. And jump to last para] Ever since I was little like every other kid, i was naive and curious about stuff. I come from your average middle class family, my parents are conservative and uneducated, came from a village. Even these didn't stop them from providing me proper education. Everything was good until i had hit a age where children slowly start to understand adult related stuff (not just talking about sex, lol) like prioritizing important stuff. May be around 6th to 7th standard idk how it happened but slowly i felt disconnect between my peers. And after a few years of most distant nature of mine i got bullied in my 10th. Which led me to consider taking the easy way out. But ive stopped myself thinking "This is the last year and I'll never meet them again. I will find new good friends". Then it's inter first year, same story repeated and scared and tried to run away from everything or change college again. But ive stopped and thought.. "Maybe just maybe it's a me problem" And in 2nd Year i started embracing everything that came at me. Started being open to every uncomfortable situation and that disrupts my OCD Patterns: Sry for not mentioning, OCD patterns are something that are logic less and are required to complete before i do something. So back on story, Slowly i have programmed my brain to be more social and face any situation. And i am very thankful for my inter friends for bearing with my weirdness. And now what, intermediate is over now joined a Btech College like everyone. Full of hope that i will make even better friends have new experiences and get a good job. Then came someone in first year who completely disrupt my patterns by her childish mentality. For context i am considered a bit conventionally good looking(not bragging, and it's countered with my weird nature, lol). So anyone who first meets me would assume i am an extrovert or someone who is really got himself together. So this girl (dad's little princess) who approached me with intimate intentions, when i reciprocated that after a while. Then she noticed my weird side, then completely went cold on me. So i did not care about it, thought its par for the course. Then she got furious that i did not text pay attention to her. So I've thought again " I am new to this relationship stuff maybe being too soft is good". So ive gave her good attention and gave her princess treatment (my bad). So this patter continued throughout the first year and fuined my mind frame and focus. Which is disastrous when you have OCD. So i gave up on her and tried to focus on studies and then a huge blast - Covid happened. My family moved to village due to no income for a whole 7 months. And i had no one to talk to nor the motivation to study. When colleges reopened its just continous semester exams without classes. No time for me to readjust my mind and which lead to me not skilling up for my career. And i ended up with no placement at the end of my college years which i would've gotten easily if i put tiny effort. And i am not trying to put blame on 'her' or covid or my disorder. I know i am the one the put myself in this pposition Now coming to present after 2 and a half years after my graduation i am still jobless and the only thing that i might have achieved in the last five years might be the control over my OCD Tendencies through trial and error. Went on dates through hinge felt meaning less. Had a new couple of month relationship still didn't fill anything in me. Now after everything now i know what i want, the hobbies i am into, how to stay peaceful no matter what happens and yet being jobless completely counters all of these. My decisions are my own, my mistakes are my own. I can't blame the world how it should work according to my needs, all i can do is push my self forward hoping for a better tomorrow. To all the people like me you are not alone in this fight/pain, yet you will feel alone in this. Just be open about yourself, face all judgements, Go for a run, eat healthy and you'll know you are enough to make yourself happy. Meet people, speak positively to others which feels good and try finding love whats the worst going to happen. And to people who witness vulnerable people in college or your peers, just be kind and i know you are afraid that they might get clingy and stuff. Know your boundaries and be kind as much as you can. Okay that's about it, thank you for coming to my ted talk. You are a saint to read all this, lol. Thank you again for going through my ramble, Take care and have a great day. Bye.