I want to go back to being a NEET so fucking bad

I am a huge disappointment to my mother. I know that. And I am really sorry she had to waste so much time and money on a piece of rubbish like me. I’ve been NEETing for four years and I didn’t realize how good I had it. I did nothing all day and enjoyed my hobbies. Yes, I was often bored and felt very lonely, but ultimately I would go back any day now. Last year my brother moved back in and it was awful. I love him, we have a great relationship, but we were forced to share a room and I fucking hated every single minute of it. He was always home when he wasn’t working. Which yeah he has any right to be but I want to stay at home alone since it’s so small. I moved out and into school just to get away from that situation… but I want to go back. I just wanna stay home and rot all day. My brother’s smart, hard-working and resilient in a way I’ll never be. He doesn’t even like staying at home but he had to because of his job. He’s planning of getting another one and I hope he does so I can move back. Generally speaking I wish him the best in life because he really deserves it. I’m okay being the failure of the family, I’m comfortable in my misery; I want the rest of my family to okay though. I think they all deserve the best. I am planning to go working for a few months to repay my mum because I hate that she spent money for nothing. I’ve always been a parasite, but I didn’t feel bad about it before because I never asked her for anything. I pirate all the stuff I like and I never went out. Ate the cheapest food there was. I don’t think she spent as much as 20 bucks for me in a month. I want to go back. I am so sorry because she thinks I’m over my depression but I literally want to disappear every single day. I am so miserable here and I hate thinking she’s wasting money for me doing this shit. I want to repay her because I think she deserves so much better than what she got, but after that I want to go back rotting on my room all day. I will probably wake up one day and regret having wasted my youth this way but I really don’t care right now, I want to rot all day. I know I am depressed because I think about suicide every single day. Therapy would probably help me but I don’t want to get better, it’s too much effort.