Apathetic and lonely

Not sure if I love this life or hate it. Staying at home all day is fine, but sometimes it makes me feel like a 1950s housewife. Not contributing to a broken economic system brings me joy, but in doing so, I'm just offloading that responsibility onto someone I love who now has to work twice as hard. Worst of all, I can't decide if I care. Some days I wake up and think, "Okay, this is it. Officially getting my shit together starting today." I then proceed to get distracted and do something else. Or realize it will be hard, and that I don't have the energy or willpower to commit to it. Sometimes I wonder if I need MORE responsibility. Something or someone to be accountable for. Someone who is worse off than I am, who depends on me, to keep me motivated. But that has the makings of a slippery slope into an even more unhealthy situation, filled with enabling behavior. Or worse, it wouldn't work, and we would just be two dependent individuals dragging my husband, family, and loved-ones down. Ugh, why is this the one logic problem I can't seem to solve? I used to be smart. Anyway, have a nice day