Everyday Random Schizophrenia Rant

i’m just 20 and i’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia for 3 years and i don’t know what to do with my life anymore. i used to have a good social life and now i have pushed away almost everyone i cared about. i’m scared of meeting new people. My episodes are very frequent but short. i feel like i’m dead and dreaming, i see dead people and animals all the time, like they want me. i’m a third year law student and i am scared every second i am not doing something, i always try to keep myself engaged with stuff and half the reason why im writing this is because im alone in my hostel room and scared to not do anything. i feel like someone will rip my heart out. i have ptsd from undergoing an heart valve replacement surgery, ig that adds to that too. I wish i could just rip my heart out myself and end all this but im too much of a coward. i’m sorry for the rant, i am alone and scared