THIS MF HAS F*KED ME, MY PASSION, MENTAL PEACE & MY @$$

I was never keen towards becoming IITian or shit but my parents comparing me all the time with my brother who's graduated from IIT BHU really got in my nerves and I was like put me in some coaching, I'll prove myself. why prove myself? because always been a failure to my parents! starting with my MH-board scholarship exams held in 5th & 8th grades. Again never my target but my parents saying he's cleared both of them and you have to make it too! tried studying back then in 5th as well as in 8th but never qualified, gave Olympiads- never got any medal, they again put forth a new challenge for me to score 95%+ in tenth boards and i thought this time I'll make it but again! I failed(score 90%) and the journey of I(XYZ) - a failure started since i was in fifth. my mother everytime taunts me saying you've achieved nothing. being a dropper rn, last year already had a time full of rides starting from jan'24 results(87%ile) to starting my drop year prep. entire year i was cursed for wasting one year. not putting efforts although i was! yesterday got less than what i scored last year and was scolded again today morning. didn't clear boards 75% criteria in march. gave improvement in july, again failed to clear by 20marks- the sole reason(5% cuz 95% is on myself ik) behind my messed up drop year. giving another improvement now. don't know what's ahead for me. I took a drop so that I'll land in some good college which will act as my backup because I'M NOT A PERSON INCLINED TOWARDS ENGINEERING! I'm a singer/songwriter & producer!!!!! I fu¢king love making my own songs since 2020 I've literally a catalogue of almost fifty-songs written on my NOTES app! this(jee) isn't my field yaar, I'm just here so that I've a backup incase things don't workout for me. I feel fucking tired of this shit. I was on my peak during lockdown. Within a year had earned around 30k entirely through my skills in music and then had to stop for this boards mf :( I still get messages for work,have more gates opened by myself but can't until this phase ends. My peace lies with my passion. I want to get done with this so bad rn. sadly there's another 5-6months runway which I've to sprint cuz if i don't then it'll cost my passion to die. there's alot more to say but seeing the time pacing I feel guilty and i would end my rant here. if you've read till here then thanks :) just wanted to say this out somewhere. TLDR - OP WAS FRUSTRATED WITH JEE PREP