had to get this out, been on my mind for a while.

hello everyone, hope you are doing good. this one's gonna be a long one, but maybe you'll find something that hits. right now, im in the middle of my boards, and these past two years have been a blur. i was in a dummy school, so there were no real classes, no daily routine, no friends to meet. just me, my books that mostly sat there untouched, and this weird sense of time slipping away. not that i had a social life before, but being in that setup just made the isolation deeper. its not like i dislike people, but ive always found it really hard to connect with them. conversations do not come naturally, friendships feel like something that happens to other people, not me. funny thing is, the only birthday wishes i got were from my parents. but it is okay, i guess. i do not celebrate it either, so it kinda evens out. just another day passing by like all the others. i regret only two things. not having people to talk to and not studying when i should have. when i started, i wanted to clear advance. i believed i could, but reality hit hard when i saw my mains score. it was nowhere near what i had expected, and it felt like all the potential i once had just went to waste. but if there is one thing i do not want, it is looking back years later, thinking i could have done it if i just tried. so ill give it everything next year. i have no choice. cannot afford offline coaching, so online it is. there is a chance i might fall into the same pattern again, but i do not get distracted easily, and studying behind a screen is actually easier for me. offline has too many people, and i do not think it is my cup of tea. i did offline coaching in tenth, and my mind just froze there. but it is not like i wasted my time entirely. i always knew isolation was going to hit me, so to keep myself busy, i did whatever i could. i read a ton of books, got lost in history and psychology, wrote songs and poetry, watched too many movies, picked up a few languages, worked on my fitness, improved my english, played games, learned chess, and learned about every sport i could. i do love sports, even if i do not play much. i just kept moving, kept learning, just not in the way that would have helped my exams. i have seen people making science feel like a drag, but honestly, i think studying is such a cool concept. understanding how things work, how the world functions, how everything connects, it is kinda fascinating. this year, ill study with interest, not just for the sake of it. i am aiming for a college and branch that actually excites me, so yeah, lets see how that goes. never really been into social media either. in the last two years, all i used was pinterest. downloaded reddit a few days ago, mostly because i wanted to see if i could actually talk to people here. so yeah, first post. lets see how this goes. if anyone wants to talk, id be very happy. signing off.