Need advice (nsfw just in case)

Hey everyone i am 17F and currently about to give boards. My parents are desperate to make me an engineer and that's why in 11th I half heartedly agreed to do JEE coaching but it went horrible because of my mental health and i started self harming a lot. Although i have been doing that since 10th grade but during the coaching classes i started doing more. In August last year i finally told my parents that I can't take it anymore and they brought me back home (i was in Chandigarh for a few months because of offline coaching) When i returned home they were soo disappointed in me. I know they want the best for me and according to them, the best option is engineering. Even though I literally told them that i will k*ll myself and won't do engineering and because of that I didn't give the first attempt but now my mom is insisting me to give the second attempt in April and now I don't have the guts nor a good mental health to talk about it with them that i am in no state of doing what they want me to do. I am super confused about what career i should choose because my parents only told me to be an engineer and they won't accept anything else. I really need advice on what to do.