deciding to not put any efforts in relationships or friendships anymore

(22,F) here. I come from a long history of abuse and mental turmoil. I had a father who was abusive towards my mother because she spent all her money and time towards her kids education and better life. He was not hostile towards us but he always had this feeling of contempt in his heart that my mom's hard earned money could have been used for luxury instead of spending it on quality education. And our entire childhood, he was absent during all the important events and would use work as an excuse. Mom loved us a lot but since she also came from an abusive family as well, she wanted us to fulfill all her expectations and become very successful in our careers. I wanted to do that and for once make her feel proud for me. But even when i was trying my best,and agreed to cut off all my friends and basically live the kind of life she wanted,she was never happy with me. Emotions were a big no-no at home. We had no relatives or friends. I was just a kid in school and i wasn't really bad in studies but it was a lot of pressure from her and that feeling of dissatisfaction she had for me since childhood was killing me. My brother,2 years older than me,was the literal apple of mom's eyes. She loved her no matter what he did and he knew that so he really did test her patience. He was a rebel and one hell of a notorious child. He would want to hang out with his friends,but mom would ask his friends to not come home as they were a bad company for him apparently. He wanted to take flute classes,but mom talked to his teacher and stopped it as it would disrupt his studies. He wasn't a bad student either but he wanted to do things at his own pace. Mom tried to control his life as much as she could as she thought she was doing all this to save his career. He grew cold towards her and thus began a toxic maahol at home. Whenever dad was around,he would pick fights at home for silly reasons with mom and mom's entire attention was towards my brother. Back to me,lol,the loner kid,now i don't know why i was this emotional crybaby since childhood. I loved my family no matter how bad they treated me. I wanted to see my mom happy so i was okay with however she treated me. Sometimes she would take out all her frustration out on me and i felt that was okay. She would never talk about me in front of our relatives or teachers and even at school she would introduce herself as the mom of my (brother's name). That used to hurt me,but hey,i loved her. I had no friends and even if i talked about one friend at home,my mom and brother would constantly mock me until i ended that friendship. Don't know if it matters,but here's an incident: there was a friend in my class who would come to my home ocassionally when we would have extra classes because her house was far away from school. She was a little clingy towards my brother and would act weird around him. I think she had a crush on him. Mom noticed that and asked her to not invite her to home ever again. I agreed. She does this to literally all of my friends who come home. A few days later, that friend borrowed a notebook from me and forgot to give me at the end of the day. At night when my mom asked me about it i told her and also told her i left it by mistake. I don't know what got into her. She called her on the phone and abused her for an hour straight. We were in class 8,man. I kept on crying and begged her to stop. She kept on telling her how she comes over to our home to only flirt with my brother and she only uses me for things. I knew she was a selfish kind of friend,but why did she have to talk to her like that? And while i was crying,my brother stood there and laughed at my tears. My brother was no saint to me either. He sexually abused me and till date he keeps on asking me to do favours for him ,as if whatever he did wasn't enough. I wish whatever I'm writing right now wasn't true and I'm gonna delete this post anyway. I know i need to go to therapy because i have long history of trauma. Back to me, i tried to form relationships and friendships outside home from a very early age which is understandable because i craved for affection as a child and i didn't receive it my entire childhood. I used to have a stunted personality and through my entire school days,i was this weird introvert who would do anything if i felt loved. I gave my all when i dated someone and was ready to give up my life for someone who even remotely considered me as their friend. And of course,life had different plans for me and i got my heart broken a lot of times,got betrayed,was used by friends,well who wouldn't to such an emotional fool? In 2022,mom passed away from cancer,well that's a different trauma as well. She passed away in the hospital with her head rested on my lap. That was the last thing i could ever do for her. But after that a lot changed within me,i stopped caring at all. I no longer care if i study well or get good grades (in college currently). I no longer care how many people's hearts i break though i don't do it intentionally. I tell them beforehand that I'm not ready for commitments in a relationship and they get attached to me and break their hearts. The very person who would give up her life for friends no longer wants to even do anything for anyone because the betrayal i had in my friendships was too much and humiliating. I literally used to do so much for them man. In 2019, i met a teacher who loved me and wanted to adopt me as his daughter. That was the first time in ages that i felt loved by someone but his wife accused him of cheating on her with me,so he had to leave. That day something died within me. About family, my dad told me straight on my face that there's no family for you here and you should go out and make your own family. I no longer have a good relationship with my brother either. Just that on some nights,i wake up with cold sweat from a nightmare that involves my mom and my brother who i loved more than life once upon a time. People have called me a narcissist, selfish and heartless and what not,but it is what it is.. TL;DR: i can't give a tldr for all this trauma,skip it if you want to.