Scary thoughts

Sometimes I think that fate/god/whatever has created me to kill myself. I am supposed to die. He created me so that I'll kill myself at an early age. And the fact that I don't, that I keep living, is going against fate. The path that was meant for me is one I'm unwilling to accept. And that's why I struggle so much. That's why I try and distract myself so much. I try and make myself numb to everything. So that I can forget that I'm not meant to be alive. So that I can't feel the voice of fate telling me to kill myself. Today, I went to an adult education program to get my GED done. (For context, I'm a 23 yrs old hs dropout who worked as cashier in a fast food place while living with their parents for 3 years.) I think the braincells that I shut down while working a dead end job and distracting myself by spending my money on expensive food and games have peeked out from their hiding place. It's reminded me that I'm going against what should be done. I should have died years ago. I should die now. The fact that I'm refusing to do so is ruining reality. It's not right. It's not how it should be. I was disassociating so hard while driving I almost crashed. I know this is delusional thinking. I don't even believe in God. But the fact that deep inside me, I know this as right must mean that it has some merit. I've known this since I could remember. The voice had always been telling me that God created me to die. Even as a child. What do you think I should do? I wanted to be proud of myself for finally taking the first step in getting my life together, late as it is. But I'm just in my bed, curled up in blankets, crying and getting haunted by the most horrible, out of body thoughts. I have work tomorrow. If I take another day off, I'll be fired. And I really want to get my GED done. The teacher was so supportive. She said she'd help me get into college and look into financial aid for me after I'm done with my GED. How can I do this?