I am si mentally retarded

I just wish to let this one out. I am a 29F NEET. Women NEET exist and we dont have it easy either. Especially since I am overweight and what not. Mentally ill. I will never be able to get true friends. Heck, I wish I could have sex once and be done with it. I have hit the wall and who the fuck would want me. I have nothing to offer. Lol. Maybe pay a man to fuck me. I will never be able to have friends. I am very negative and boring as a fucking rock. I have shit I wish to watch. But envy and jealousy grips me. I fucked my life over and there is no going back. I am mostly angsting over my past. Not doing much in the present. I am litteraly getting dumber. My memory is going into the fucking trash bin. What value? I have none. Thanks abusive parents for fucking over my life. I was never able to deal with my trauma and anxiety and I fucked myself over too. One more year and I am leaving my twenties. I am not even sure where I am going with this. No,I dont hate men or women. I am not that incel type. I hate my parents and I despise myself. I just want to fucking rope. Go to sleep and never wake up. This is a vent. Hell, even if I tried. I would have to lie, lie, lie to get a job. And for what? To live another 30 miserable fucking years and pray I die. I think I am one of those people who was an accident and their next pit-stop is roping. Never had a fulfilling childhood. Bullied to the point of being dehumanized. I am just living with anger, jealousy and bitterness. Life could have been different. Never had any chance. I feel too old and depressed to start anew. Well whatever. Atleast I am not living forever. I am deeply alone, a therapist cannot help me. So is what it is.