Do you have weird rules/choice too ?

Wanted to share a short of "rules" that i have and know if you had similar things ? like anything that come to your mind. So i'm a shut-in , i don't exist on internet except on this reddit account that will end up being deleted like the others. I really crave for a relationship , i have dreamed moment with her for thousand of hours now that years have passed. Never touched or even aproched it, but i think i could have , their is this thing with those dreams , that became the thing that i cherish the most , i travelled there in so many beautiful world , feeling there were burning me , living there was my reason to breathe. And so I had that copium , that if i tried to transcript them in drawings or else it could be beautiful ones and with sharing them on social media , i could find her. I don't know that's how that work for some of them from what i saw. But i phase out when i think abou that scenario , it would be so imperfect idk , i wouldn't feel human, it's like her being interested by that fake romantize surface of my's thought , like a product that she would have find interesting for a second in a shop. My true self is a piece of garbage so when the illusion fall out i wouldn't be able to support that change in the eyes when digust install in her eye, façing that would be my last nightmare. I also have this feeling about it, i don't really know how to describe this. Doing that, sharing under that made up identity would just mean i'm one of the. Me saying , let's erase myself and play their non sense game. I don't know do you have weird thought that became rules/order of your reality. I mean even in that scenario their is near zero chance it would hapend if i tried. But here i'm, even in hypotetical reality, rejecting an exist while crying on why i'm left apart for their society. I don't get it