vent - i realised I broke up far too many times

i always think back to how I only had one. reakuo and it tore me and shattered me which it did but I never consider the fact that I have gone through breakup fat fat moretkmes. i liked few people. very few. i loved them with all my heart. i dedicated my mind and soul for them. i used to spend more than 5 - 10 months just planning their birthday gifts and used to skip a meal to save money for their gifts. i was limerant. i never said I like them or rather very little and softly. but my eyes my face everything screamed I loved them. but all of em never actually bothered. sure. friendship. but they didn't. until the very end they did not. and in that period they went through multiple relationshipss to which I was an audience too. sole audience. and they went through breakups. i have seen my first. rush go through seven breakups and I was the dump for trauma. my ex was being abused and sexually molested by her brother every other day and I was the dump for the trauma. my crush broke up thrice when she even knew I love her. i love her so much. but she still never saw my as a man. i heard her through all her lows. "women like someone who listens" is the biggest lie television made, they like someone who treats them like shit. i loved you with all my heart. it hurts. i hate myself so much it hurts. as I learn more bout myself and recently learning about rejection sensitive dysphoria. my mind is paining enough for me to end it right now.