vent : an overall shitty dating life

trigger warning. there are some very nsfw parts here. i have had a shitty dating life. i have suspicion that I have adhd and therefore likely limerence. so what happens is unlike normal crushes, i hyper crush over someone to the point where all my self regulators are entirely based on that person. i liked a girl in my school days. and there wasnt a chance. i was a shy guy, didn't have much friends and all and she was very social. it was the rise of orkut and facebook and so on so i befriended her there and talked seldom. i crushed over her for a nice 6-7 years. and not love but we ultimately became friends. i saw her go through many bfs in that phase and she had terrible breakups and vented about em to me... in college days I did get a gf! but soon I found out... she um.. she was getting abused and violated by her brother. the things I used to hear everyday just tore me as a person back then. i tried helping in whatever ways I could and telling authorities was no no, coz just before the ship her papa passed away and there was no bread winner??? also she didn't wanna ruin his name and family. from randomly hearing that her brother violated her in sleep, to her making her do things for him. and him abusing her when he found out she has a bf and beating the shit out of her.. things just weren't good. i tried everything I could but ultimately I tried improving her. coz her spirit was crushed. get her in good college, circle, make her live her hobbies and stuff. and ultimately make her stand on her feet so much that he doesn't dare touch. it worked in a way. she found a new place in life and she dumped me. got a new bf too. and now I hear she's joined a religious cult which her familys proud of. the entire experience rendered me unable to get close to anyone. the breakup hurt me and for years I was still unable to grasp the fact that it even happened. then I had crushes. i found a very good person who cared for me and i ultra cared for her. did things, drew her, gave her gifts, helped her. my schtick is very much worshipping and doing things for people. we were the best of friends but idk... adhd grew haywire and my energy just felt very much childish. we talked seldom. i confessed and she said I don't even know if I like her.. and that hurt me. still friends tho and lastly. the last person. a wonderful person. we roamed a lot. to the beach, on the bike, ate food, saw movies, and she was genuinely comfortable with me just infodumping and telling her the most random interesting things. BUT she got a boyfriend. had to get one lol. still fine. things were within boundaries. I didn't tell her I liked her and her bf knew we were good friends and all. until late in the friendship a mutual decided to spit it out to her days after telling her. perfectly well kept secret just poof. we talked and she said it's fine. wasn't fine coz then we just didn't talk and it hurt me. and apparently her bf was a fuckbly type too. so he broke up with her soon enough as well. we just didn't talk after that. it was there but seldom.. just not that much.. so much. no. i missed her a lot. I loved her hugs. she was the warmest friend I had. also the most chronically offline person coz she would reply to things like weeks later and often just not reply or callback. but it's fine. as I lay on my bed now, looking at Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t bother me much. But there’s a quiet ache in knowing that I’ve never really been loved back properly, fully. i spent so much of my life giving. whether it was care, admiration, effort, or just sheer devotion. and I don’t regret it. but somewhere along the way, I think I lost sight of what I deserve in return. maybe love isn’t just about finding someone to pour yourself into. maybe it’s also about finding someone who pours back into you, without you having to beg for it. maybe it’s about learning to keep some of that love for yourself. but thinking about it aches my chest.. i don't know if I have the energy to like anyone again.