i cant bear it anymore! i am ending it

hey guys , i had made a suicidal post on 28 jan , my jee exam was on 29s1 . it went pretty bad . I scored only 60%ile yes you read it right . earlier i used to think that i had my parents support but 1 raat mein hi sab badal gya , papa bol toh rhe hai ki koi baat nhi but itna kam ki ummed toh tumse nhi thi , tmhara kuch strategy hi thik nhi tha ,koi vidyarthi ke hi lakshan nhi hai tum mein, 2 min motivate krte hai fir 30 min demotivate , bol rhe hai ki tmse bekar bacche ka tmse acha aa gya , i just thought ki ek kaan se sununga aur dusre kaan se nikal dunga but i would have been a lot less sad if my parents would have not seen the results . mummy toh bol rhi hai ab boards mein bhi 99 lana hai aur april mein bhi , toh meine gussa mein ek baar chilla diya toh uspe bhi dant padi. kisi ne ek baar bhi nhi pucha ki if i am okay or not , sabko 1 mahine se okay bolta aa rha hun but i am not okay , i just want to cry out loud like a little kid without being judged(i dont have any friend , ek girl......friend hai but usse bhi call par baat nhi kar sakta due to restrictions, chats bhi nhi kar sakta but telegram hidden hai in my moms phone) . my father is in a very good position ( ias officer ) , now he is unable to digest that ki ek ias ka beta aisa bhi ho sakta hai . I dont want to live under any expectation , now its unbearable for me , sab ko result batan a is now unbearable , i am not worthy enough to be born in such a good family , mere papa kehte hai ' mein tumhe bahar world ke pressure ke liye taiyyar kar rha hu' then he said ' pressure rahega ki tum kuch bhi kar lo aur tumko handle karna hoga' i know ki woh yeh chiz mere achhe ke liye keh rhe hai but abb nhi ho rha yaar . itne guilt ke sath toh april mein nhi acha jaega , i just want to be pressure free once more just once , papa 60%ile se mujhe agle 3 mahine tak chidhate rhenge aur main hasta rhunga(fake smile) . unhe lagta hai ki mujhe kuch farak nhi padta hai and it will burn a fire inside me but isse mein bahut effect hota hun yeh kisi ko nhi pata . i cant even express my feelings to them. I am so good at this faking smile wala thing that mere papa ne kaha ki tum mein sirf ek achi chiz lagi ki yeh sab heart pe nhi lete ho , but the reality is that abhi mein itna emotionally weak hun ki koi (apart from parents)ek baar ' are u okay ' bolde toh i will literally sob . parents ke samne ro bhi nhi sakta hun they'll judge me isiliye bathroom mein aaj 20 min roya hun. i know ki life mein bahut kuch hai but abb nhi ho paa rha hai i want to be a top class programmer and mein ye stress relieve ke liye karta tha abb usme bhi man nhi lag rha hai i just want to end it but i am scared . abhi itna bhi bada nhi hua hun ki sabki itni sari expectation jhel paun , its beyond me. papa ko lagta hai ki i am a strong kid but i am not , i am weak , i am lost , i am failed. sorry to my parents , they definitely deserved a better son than this one who dreamt of becoming live swami vivekanand one day but now is failing in every other thing.