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I brushed my ass off did everything I can , but even life doesnt want me to go to a good college , in 11th and 12th coaching and college fked up my mental health , after I came out of it I decided to not let anything go and I dropped 2 months Into drop , my grandmother died , in orthodox India whenever death occurs , it takes nearly a month and shit to complete the post things and all my mom broke down , family situation got messy as the only son , I had to take care of my mom , wht abt my dad u ask ?? he isnt with us anymore after all this I still tried everyday no matter wht happened , and still I failed I wanted my mom to be happy , I wanted her to see me go to a good college , if I cant even provide her this much , why tf should I even be alive ?? I seriously want to jump off the building I live in , but everytime I reach the ceiling , I imagine my mother breaking down in front of my body , tht thing is still keeping me from not doing anything I have no hopes left In life , no dreams , no ntg , I dont even have frnds this is dark but I feel I should say this , from past 2 days I have been hitting myself and slapping myself again and again , sometimes I use a belt and shit to hurt myself , there is this inner voice tht keeps in telling me , dont eat , dont sleep , torture urself im not a masochist , but I feel tht all im doing is a punishment I should get now I know u guys would feel im a wierdo , maybe Im I dk but this is wht im doing to myself