Realisation

I've often stumbled between this unanimous decision of living in peace or living in absolute chaos to keep my adrenaline levels high, more often I'd lay down on my bed at the end of the day and ponder over my decisions of what could be or what could have been the aftermath if I would go frenzy and come upfront as a hurricane but the realisation hits, I've only been pondering, the action is still in queue somewhere in hunt to be executed maybe far stretched but still very much in the vicinity, it's been over a year now and the noise inside my brain is defeaning, time's slipping like fine gravel sand no matter how much you progress everything at the end seems null, oh the feeling it just keeps exponentially bundling, is this revenge I am seeking? Or seeking someone to avenge me? Stuck in my own paradox, I wanna set myself free.