I am tired of trying to change this awful life that i have

[im sorry if this is not the place to post it but i tried to post on other subs and got almost no response for some reason ] I can't do this anymore i have been trying my hardest to change this life that i have by studying my ass off day and night. I don't want to live but i dont want to die because i am too afraid of death and what is after it Most of the people that i had trusted have mostly used me or bullied me or insulted me because of my dark skin and the only thing i could do was to still be friends with them because i had no one else to go to, i dont have any self respect infact i hate myself more than anything.my older sister was also very selfish and mean to me and she was better than me at almost everything so both my parents loved her waaaay more than me, because of this i have an inferiority complex. My father was the worst person i have seen, he has very mentally abusive to me, when i was around 12 he said that he will awfully beat me up and not call the ambulance and one day he also said that he will break open my skull, because of these things i got a mental disorder called dpdr when i was 13. Then he started betting on sports apps and then on stock market where he put all his money on stock market which he lost and then he took shit ton of loans and lost it all, because of this he tried to kill all 4 of us by driving the car into a lake on 4th March, 2023 (my sister still has the partial recording ). We came back safe after lot of convincing. Many of my relatives gave him money and my father's elder brother gave him a lot of money. because of this incident i started to study my ass off . Then we went to their house except my father for few days , when we returned, teachers of my school thought that i ran away because of the final exams so they started to talk to me rudely. Then my father took more loans and lost it all again, so he ran away from home on 12th jan, 2024 (a day before my birthday). Our house was company's property and only for employees but my class 10 boards were coming in a month so they gave us some time, i somehow studied with the dpdr episodes and flashbacks and got 93.8%,then we moved to my father's actual house which is connected to his elder brother's house. initially everyone was very nice to me there but then some of them started to insult me because of my face and said that i will become like my father. Then they forced me to do things like moving sand, tilling soil, moving things with my elder cousin brothers. I used to study when they went to their jobs. After a while i pretty much stopped going outside because of fear (for which they were very angry) and joined a library to study, then i came 1st in my class in the new school. But after a few months, my body just gave up, it wont listen to me, i couldn't study more than 45 minutes,yesterday it was my maths exam and i will surely fail in it, physics and english were also very bad, tomorrow it is my chemistry exam. i am awfully depressed and suicidal all the time, i am very scared of talking to most people and i am getting more and more dumb as life goes on, feels like i lost most of my common sense, this is making people around me angrier.All the potential, discipline and resilience i once had is all gone now. My past, present and future all seems dark now .i don't know what to do